One of my favorite films of all time is Lady Bird. And it’s because of this phrase.

– You must love Sacramento very much to write something like this.

-I guess I’m just paying attention.

– Don’t you think it’s the same thing? Love and attention?

(c) Lady Bird

Love is attention

Lady bird is a movie about complex relationship of the heroine – Lady Bird and her mother. Mother never told her she loved her. On the surface, all they did was fighting and feel deeply frustrated about one another. That is, if we define love as saying “I love you” and being always happy in each other’s company, they didn’t love each other. But if we can go deeper than that, and to say to love somebody is to deeply care about somebody and find time and resources to pay attention and be influenced by this person, they loved each other really deeply.

I like to start with example of mom and daughter’s love. Man and women’s love is so overloaded with expectations and assumptions, but in the core loving your partner / your sibling / your friend / your parent is not that different.

Love is paying attention.

You couldn’t lie about this even if you wanted to. What you pay attention to is what you really care about. To love yourself more, yes, you guessed it, you need to pay more attention to yourself. To love someone else, you need to really listen to them.

Which brings me to my next point.

When we are too busy judging others, we have no time to love them.

(c) Marshall Rosenberg, Non-violent communication

When we judge others, we have no time to love them (c)

I noticed, that a lot of my communication with people, I tend to judge them. I tend to assess, how wrong or right they are, give unsolicited advice. But the hardest thing I judge is how I think they relate to me.

Do they love me?

Do they care about me?

If I don’t find enough signals, I tend to judge them or myself harshly.

I have a book in my bathroom called “Non-violent communication”. Just reading a few sentences from it calms me and grounds me. I try to identify how I feel, using the chart of emotions and try to find what I need in this moment. And it indeed reminds me to take good care of myself and be more compassionate and understanding to others.

Yes I love him, but I love not only him (c)

Every time I feel frustrated about a message not returned by my crush, I remember wise words of Eleanor from Sense and Sensibility.

-How you could be so calm about this? Don’t you love him???

-Yes, I love him, sister. But it helps me a lot, that I love not only him. I love you and our mother, too.

Loosely quoting Sense and Sensibility of Jane Austen

When someone doesn’t return your text, it tells you nothing about yourself

It tells you that the person is busy. That’s it.

Do you always immediately return texts or calls from everyone you care about? Well, no. Sometimes you are doing something else. And that’s okay. Give yourself and other people the room to breathe. Assume the best intentions and that people actually care about you. If you want to have a deep discussion, have it in person.

There’s no shame in double texting someone or asking again for what you need. But so few people do it, for some people it becomes a great key to their success. Susie Moore will text potential employers / connections sometimes 8-10 times before they respond. She refuses to make it mean something about herself. And then they finally respond, she gets her chance. Interview with celebrity / article in a famous magazine all is available to you, if you are persistent enough to ask again. And again.

Make your needs a priority, don’t create “covert contracts”

Covert contract is when you do something for someone, in expectation of them doing something for you. You think you are being nice. You are not.

Being generous is giving something to other people for the pleasure of giving. You expect nothing in return. Whole purpose of the giving was to give.

How then to get my needs met? How I get others to do something nice for me?

Well, first make your own needs a priority and go fulfill them before needs of any other human being. If you want something from others, ask them about it.

Is it selfish?

It’s actually incredibly generous and loving. People don’t need to guess any more how you feeling or what you need. You are taking care of yourself and making clear to others what you want and need. You will be so surprised, how much is available for you that you never even dreamed of.

Stop “caretaking” and take care of yourself instead

Yes, that’s obvious that’s wrong with other people and what they should be working on. Especially your ex-partners. But guess what? It’s none of your business. “Caretaking” of others gives you a purpose and greatly distracts you from what’s really you should be paying attention to.

Expressing your needs and getting yours own needs met. Yes, it is uncomfortable, because you are not used to do it.

But give it a go. Non-violent communication style could help you with that.

Relationships are actually up to you

I always thought if I wanted to be someone else’s friend, they are the one who should approve it. So, the other person and not me were deciding we are friends or not. I will wait for them to call me a friend, a best friend, a girlfriend, a wife.

But just think for a minute if the other person is operating on the same framework. They wait for you to call them a friend, a best friend, a boyfriend, a husband. What if in their mind it’s actually up to you to decide that?

So you lose nothing and gain a lot by telling someone “I want to be your friend” or “I really like you, let’s date!”. If they don’t want it, you will find out and stop loosing your time. But if they want it, it could be a beginning of the best relationship of your life. Which would never happen, if you both stayed silent.